Toyin Falola
Cancer!
You come in without knocking,
you thief with no footsteps,
you brush of shadow
that learns the geography
of the blood vessels
and walks through my body like midnight.
You lurk in closets made of flesh,
you whisper to cells until they forget their names,
you make monarchs of anarchists,
breath into ransom notes.
My bones know you first—
that cold kin-blood drum
pounding beneath my rib cage,
warning my body for the battle
it never enlisted for.
You are a fire in my marrow,
a snake in the lungs,
an ugly bloom with black petals
rupturing silently
in gardens never meant to be.
Mothers recite themselves in prayer.
Dads become wind-shaken buildings.
Kids understand what fear tastes like
down sterile hospital halls
where bright lights buzz
like quarter moons over refugees.
White coats make God’s voice rumble.
Scans feel like revelations.
Beds turn into battlefields
where Hope has no shoes
but dances anyway
in the face of a monster without eyes.
Cancer—
you devourer of jokes,
you thief of laughter,
you dark singer of pity,
you writer of epitaphs still dripping wet—
will you come feast on everybody?
Is every moinmoin scar your signature?
Even you cannot take from me
my ability to stand small.
Though you may walk through my body,
terrorizing my light,
my soul, fa fa fa lo lo la la,
will never bow down to you.
When my body trembles,
my spirit polishes its tiny weapons.
When fear lifts its voice,
Love screams back double.
I know you are scary and awesome,
but you are not the last.
Cancer will kill you or kill someone you know. It hits when you least expect. In some cases, as in pancreatic cancer, by the time you know, your dinner is being prepared in heaven. Cancer can lead to the graves and from there to the gates of heaven. The choice is stark: do you want to squander your wealth fighting it or you want to make your peace and quit. In a later series, I will give my opinion on when you should accept your end.
Life is interesting, dynamic, humbling, and in most cases, it has a way of surprising us. Sometimes, it deals a hand that offset the most experienced of us all. It is difficult to ascertain its moves or predict what the next phase would bring. Life has different shades. It is sometimes exciting with abundance. In its abundance, the individual enjoys new opportunities, new milestones, or attains a dream. It could even be marriage or childbirth. On the other hand, it shows it ugly side, causing significant anxiety, uncertainty, fear, and pain. Of such unwelcomed visitors, for many individuals and their families across the world, is cancer.
Cancer is unwelcome in anyone’s life. It has never received the fanfare that a university scholarship, the birth of a child or the fulfillment from a long-awaited achievement gets. It is an unwelcome guest, with its arrival distinct for individuals. For some, it starts with almost insignificant symptoms or a routine medical examination that confirms the new reality. Then comes the inevitable. The diagnosis and the flood of emotions that registers an awareness and concern. Instantly, questions emerge, the once bright future becomes gloomy as fear and uncertainty replaces courage and certainty. When cancer hits, it affects far more than the body.
With a diagnosis comes the realization that life may take a new turn now. The arrival of cancer does not sympathies with the patient. It remains indifferent to any sensitivity in an individual’s life. It has no pity for the careers that took years to build or the professional at the peak of productivity, or a young adult a few days away from graduation or marriage with a loved one. When it hits, it significantly alters the routine. The individual may begin to spend more time in hospitals than the office. Business initiatives and other work/career related activities become secondary. The outgoing and energetic individual who enjoys taking care of others, may suddenly need others to care for them.
Apart from the individual, cancer also takes its toll on family and friends. It alters family life rhythm. Interesting moments that would have been shared bonding and celebrating milestones, becomes time devoted to treatments, medical consultations and recovery. Loved ones adapt roles. They become caregivers in most cases, masking their own fears of the eventualities, while trying to provide strength and support. In many cases, the diagnosis of one member of the family becomes a burden carried by others in the family.
The physical demands of chronic ailments like cancer does not reduce the emotional toll. The former can be as demanding as the latter. Serious ailments like cancer, just like any life challenges, often come with fear of the unknown. The patient frequently worries over financial implications of treatment, the treatment itself and how draining it is, social stigma and ostracization in some instances and an uncertainty of what lies ahead. These thoughts, if not managed well, can cause significant disharmony as they weigh down on the individual. As the routine changes, patients struggle to confront surging. They feel frustrated over the limitations caused by their ailment. They battle loneliness, identity issues and a genuine dislike to become a burden. They struggle and fight silent battles unknown to others.
These feelings are further complicated by social expectations of the world, where individual worth is measured by their levels of personal accomplishments, and ability to stay ahead. Being diagnosed with cancer in this case, becomes a stumbling block that disrupts every effort towards that status. Someone who once defined themselves by their work, grit, strength, independence, social impact and influence, may begin to question their identity when those things are temporarily taken away.
In questioning one’s identities through the lens of productivity, impacts and accomplishment, lies a raw truth. As much as we care about these things, they do not determine who we are. Job titles, a fat bank account, physical strength or social titles, while important, do not determine our worth. As valuable as these possessions are, they are not primary determinants of what it means to be human. They do not define our essence because beneath every celebrated achievement, is an individual with a soul, a hope, a will, a drive stronger than the current circumstance. In truth, illness may temporarily take away vitality, it does not diminish who we are.
Cancer can alter a person’s life. It can alter a career, disrupt family and force people into unimaginable situations. Yet it is very wrong to define a patient by their medical condition. A diagnosis does not erase who the patient is. It does not wipe off their wonderful past nor does it erase the love and impact they have on others. These memories are what many families hold onto as they go through hospital visits and treatments sessions. They hold unto these shared moments for courage in a difficult circumstance.
Hope is vital in this journey. It is not pretense or a denial. Rather, it is an understanding that the present crisis is not always the end. To have hope is to recognize the pain and severity of life challenges, yet, the individual chooses to remain confident, living life with meaning, purpose, embracing the moments of joy despite the obstacles.
For a significant few, hope is felt through successful treatment and recovery. Others experience hope through the support and presence of loved ones. Some survivors seek hope in religion while others experience it through kind interactions with caregivers, support groups and fellow survivors. Regardless of the form, hope remains vital for survivors.
For some survivors, surviving cancer becomes a transformative experience. Many emerge from treatment to become more appreciative of time, relationships, and the ordinary moments of life. Others experience feelings of uncertainty and loss, long after treatment ends. Each survivor feels a different way and has a different story. However, across these different experiences, there is a remarkable experience of human strength and resilience in circumstances they never chose.
Cancer disrupts lives. It tests the limits of individuals and families when faced with their worst fears. Yet, one cannot stop hoping amid the fear and uncertainty. A life-threatening diagnosis does not completely define the entirety of that life. For many patients, there remains room for purpose, love, connection and fulfillment even amid profound challenges.
Life’s challenges would always arrive without formal invitation. For each arrival, are lessons that call for reflection. In these teachable moments, we learn the importance of relationships and embrace gratitude. We get clarity and hold onto the love we took for granted and the companionship we disregarded. We learn to appreciate kind gestures, sacrifices and the friendships behind each support and care. We learn how much strength one can find within, when faced with unimaginable challenges.